Why Emotions Matter More Than You Think with Professor Marc Brackett #179
Professor Marc Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, discusses the RULER approach to emotional literacy. He explains how understanding and regulating emotions benefits creativity, learning, relationships, and health, urging listeners to become 'emotion scientists'.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Emotional Intelligence and its Importance
Five Key Reasons Emotions Matter in Life
Defining Emotional Intelligence and its Core Skills
Recognizing Emotions: Self-Awareness and Interpersonal Cues
Understanding Emotions: Differentiating Feelings and Their Roots
The Power of Labeling Emotions for Self-Regulation
Expressing Emotions: Cultural Norms, Personal Impact, and Authenticity
The Toll of Emotional Labor and Masking Feelings
Modeling Emotional Openness for Children's Development
Regulating Emotions: Strategies Beyond Simple Fixes
The Role of Empathy, Forgiveness, and Continuous Emotional Growth
Practical Steps for Cultivating Emotional Intelligence
5 Key Concepts
RULER Approach
A five-skill framework for social and emotional learning, standing for Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions. The RUL focuses on experiencing emotions, while the ER focuses on what is done with them.
Emotion Scientist vs. Emotion Judge
An emotion scientist is open, curious, and granular about feelings, seeking to understand them in detail. An emotion judge categorizes feelings as simply 'good' or 'bad' and tends to be closed or dismissive of emotional complexity.
Permission to Feel
The concept of providing oneself and others with the space and acceptance to experience and acknowledge their true, full range of emotions without judgment or suppression. This fosters authenticity and deeper connection.
Emotional Labor
The effort required to manage and display emotions in a way that is considered appropriate for a particular role or context, often involving masking one's true feelings. This can take a toll on an individual over time.
Meta Moment
A self-regulation strategy that involves pausing, reflecting on one's best self, and considering how to respond to a situation from a more intentional and effective perspective, rather than reacting impulsively.
9 Questions Answered
Emotions profoundly benefit our creativity, learning, problem-solving, physical health, and mental health, influencing everything from attention and memory to judgment, decision-making, relationship quality, and performance.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to use our emotions wisely to achieve well-being, foster good relationships, accomplish our goals, and be creative, rather than repressing, denying, or controlling them.
Emotions are a significant part of everyday decision-making, often influencing judgments outside of conscious awareness. For instance, teachers in a bad mood graded the same student essay one to two full grades lower than those in a good mood.
Anxiety stems from perceiving uncertainty, frustration from blocked goals, stress from too many demands with insufficient resources, and overwhelm from being overcome by many feelings. Understanding these distinctions is crucial for effective regulation.
No, while having permission to feel all emotions is important, it doesn't mean expressing every emotion to every person at every moment. There are cultural norms and social contexts that dictate how and when emotions are best expressed to maintain healthy relationships and well-being.
Our emotion regulation abilities are significantly shaped by how adults in our lives spoke to us as children. Negative self-talk, for example, can metastasize if there isn't an opportunity to move from self-criticism to self-compassion.
While these practices are very helpful for managing intense emotions, deactivating, and promoting pleasant feelings, they are not sufficient on their own. Effective emotion regulation requires a wide range of strategies, including addressing underlying problems, building self-esteem, and fostering supportive connections.
Having a nuanced vocabulary for emotions allows for greater self-awareness and better ability to help ourselves and others. If you can precisely label a feeling (e.g., 'peeved' instead of just 'angry'), you can intervene earlier and more effectively, preventing escalation.
Parents can model emotional intelligence by sharing their own range of emotions (both pleasant and unpleasant), demonstrating reflection and problem-solving strategies for dealing with feelings, and showing that they have strategies to manage those feelings, rather than masking them.
55 Actionable Insights
1. Apply the RULER Approach
Utilize the RULER approach (Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions) to develop emotional intelligence, which helps in various aspects of life including creativity, learning, problem-solving, and physical/mental health.
2. Be an Emotion Scientist
Approach emotions with curiosity and a desire to understand, rather than judging them as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ fostering better self-awareness and relationships.
3. Embrace Emotional Openness
Cultivate an open mindset towards all emotions, giving yourself and others permission to feel without judgment, adopting the stance of an ’emotion scientist’ rather than an ’emotion judge.’
4. Provide Permission to Feel
Provide a safe, non-judgmental space for others, especially children, to express their true, full, feeling selves, as this is crucial for their emotion regulation ability.
5. Cultivate Awareness for Choice
Increase self-awareness about emotions and other aspects of life, as greater awareness provides more choice in how you respond, moving from reactive blurting to intentional action.
6. Use Emotions Wisely
Instead of repressing or denying emotions, learn to capitalize on them and use them wisely to achieve well-being, good relationships, and personal goals.
7. Label Emotions for Regulation
Develop the vocabulary and skill to precisely label your emotions, as ‘you’ve got to name it to tame it’ and ’label it to regulate it,’ which is crucial for effective emotional management.
8. Practice Emotion Recognition
Actively practice recognizing emotions by observing facial expressions, body language, vocal tone, and behavior in others, and by developing self-awareness of what’s happening in your own body and mind, being mindful of projecting your own feelings.
9. Understand Emotional Nuances
Move beyond basic labels to understand the psychological differences and underlying causes of emotions (e.g., anxiety from uncertainty, frustration from blocked goals, stress from demands, overwhelm from intense feelings) to better address them.
10. Prioritize Emotion Regulation
Recognize the importance of emotion regulation, understanding that impulsive expression of feelings (e.g., anger) can be damaging; instead, learn to manage emotions according to social norms and for the well-being of all involved.
11. Employ Diverse Regulation Strategies
Recognize that no single strategy (like yoga, mindfulness, or breathing exercises) is a complete solution for emotion regulation; instead, cultivate and practice a wide range of strategies, understanding that they are helpful but often insufficient alone.
12. Adopt Holistic Emotion Regulation
Embrace a holistic model for emotion regulation that includes giving permission to feel all emotions, practicing breathing, engaging in yoga, prioritizing sleep and nutrition, cultivating positive self-talk, and fostering supportive connections with others.
13. Evaluate & Refine Regulation Strategies
Regularly evaluate whether your current emotion regulation strategies (including self-talk) are truly working for you by assessing their impact on your wellness, relationships, physical health, and goal achievement, and be willing to practice new ones if needed.
14. Address Emotions Early
Practice early intervention by recognizing and managing emotions when they are at lower intensities (e.g., irritated or peeved) rather than waiting until they escalate to more extreme states like rage, as prevention is easier than intervention.
15. Channel Anxiety into Action
When experiencing anxiety, use strategies like the ‘hot air balloon’ (perspective-taking) to assess what you can control, then channel that emotional energy into productive actions or problem-solving rather than rumination.
16. Use ‘Hot Air Balloon’ Strategy
Employ the ‘hot air balloon’ strategy by mentally (or on paper) rising above your current situation to gain perspective, asking yourself how much control you have over your worries, and redirecting focus from uncontrollable rumination to actionable areas.
17. Practice Reappraisal & Perspective-Taking
Instead of just venting, engage in reappraisal or perspective-taking by pausing, reflecting, and looking at situations from another lens, which helps in managing feelings and finding solutions.
18. Avoid Unhelpful Venting
Recognize that excessive complaining and venting, while feeling like ‘getting it off your chest,’ can be unhelpful as it rehearses negative experiences and does not lead to resolution.
19. Model Emotional Processing for Kids
Model healthy emotional processing for children by openly sharing your own struggles, reflections, and problem-solving strategies regarding negative emotions, demonstrating that it’s normal to experience and work through feelings.
20. Show Full Emotional Range & Strategies
As a parent, demonstrate experiencing the full range of emotions (not just positive ones) and share examples of what makes you feel various ways, alongside the strategies you use to manage those feelings, without making children feel responsible for your emotional state.
21. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of asking ‘What’s wrong?’ or putting a value judgment on feelings, ask open-ended questions like ‘Tell me more about what happened?’ or ‘What made you feel that way?’ to encourage deeper sharing and understanding.
22. Help Others Label Feelings Precisely
When others share feelings, help them label them precisely by asking clarifying questions and distinguishing between similar emotions (e.g., disappointment vs. anger), connecting the feeling to the underlying experience.
23. Cultivate Honest Relationships
Build strong, authentic relationships where you can be open about your true feelings, moving beyond superficial responses like ‘fine’ to share a nuanced range of emotions.
24. Offer Non-Judgmental Emotional Space
Provide a relationship space where others feel they have ‘permission to feel’ and can be their true, feeling selves without fear of projection or judgment, fostering curiosity and compassion.
25. Be a Calming Presence
Cultivate the ability to be a loving, caring, and calming presence for others, as their mere presence can help people feel at ease and contribute to their emotional regulation.
26. Pay It Forward: Be an ‘Uncle Marvin’
Actively strive to ‘pay it forward’ by being a compassionate, non-judgmental, accepting, and loving presence for others, providing them the space and permission to feel, just as a significant figure might have done for you.
27. Practice Apology and Forgiveness
Cultivate the ability to acknowledge when you’ve ‘messed up’ and apologize, and practice forgiveness, as holding grudges can make you feel heavier, while forgiveness can make you feel lighter.
28. Practice Letting Go of Grudges
Actively practice letting go of grudges and forgiving, as research suggests it can make you feel literally and spiritually lighter, improving well-being.
29. Embrace Continuous Emotional Improvement
Adopt an attitude of continuous improvement for emotional development, giving yourself permission to feel all emotions, being a compassionate emotion scientist for yourself and others, to foster a great life.
30. Journal for Emotional Processing
Encourage journaling as a proactive strategy for children and adults to process and regulate emotions, allowing them to write down their feelings and see what comes out.
31. Develop Granular Emotion Vocabulary
Strive to use granular and specific language to describe emotions (e.g., peeved vs. enraged, contentment vs. ecstasy) to increase self-awareness and better understand the intensity and nature of feelings.
32. Mindful Language with Children
Be highly mindful of the language used when speaking to children, as the messages they receive about their bodies, appearance, and worth significantly impact their emotion regulation abilities and can lead to negative self-talk.
33. Shift to Self-Compassion
Actively work to shift from negative self-talk and self-criticism to self-compassion, recognizing that early life messages can metastasize into ingrained patterns that require conscious effort to reframe.
34. Address Root Causes of Emotions
Beyond immediate regulation techniques, address the root causes of emotions, such as building self-esteem or learning to negotiate power structures, especially when dealing with complex issues like bullying, as a holistic approach to emotional well-being.
35. Recognize Emotional Bias in Judgment
Understand that personal emotions significantly influence judgments and decision-making, often outside of conscious awareness, making emotional self-awareness important for fair evaluations.
36. Observe Non-Verbal Cues
Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, and vocal tone in yourself and others, as these internal feelings drive approach or avoidance behaviors and impact relationship quality.
37. Address Bias in Emotion Reading
Be super mindful of personal biases (e.g., prejudice, racism, or limited exposure to diverse groups) that can lead to misreading or over-identifying negative emotions in others’ facial expressions.
38. Learn Appropriate Emotion Expression
Develop the skill of knowing how and when to appropriately express emotions across different contexts, understanding that not all emotions should be expressed to everyone at all times.
39. Challenge Emotion Expression Norms
Actively challenge cultural norms (e.g., ‘boys don’t cry’) that discourage the expression of emotions, recognizing that the ability to express feelings is a fundamental human right crucial for well-being.
40. Adopt Learner Mode Mindset
Approach interactions and emotional understanding with a ’learner mode’ mindset, being curious and open to new perspectives, rather than a ‘knower mode’ that assumes you already understand everything.
41. Avoid Judging Cultural Expressions
Be an ’emotion scientist’ and avoid immediately judging others’ emotional expressions or behaviors based on your own cultural norms; instead, be curious and seek to understand their perspective.
42. Avoid ‘Over the Net’ Assumptions
Be aware of the ‘over the net’ concept, recognizing that you only know your own intention and the general observation, but not the third perspective (the other person’s internal experience), so avoid pretending you know their feelings or motivations.
43. Expand Empathy with Curiosity
Go beyond basic empathy by adopting a curious ’emotion scientist’ mindset, actively seeking to understand others’ diverse experiences and backgrounds, which enriches life and reduces misunderstandings.
44. Understand Emotions Before Masking
It’s acceptable to ‘wear masks’ or adjust emotional expression in certain situations, but always do so with a clear understanding of your true internal feelings, making a conscious choice rather than acting without self-awareness.
45. Express Emotions Judiciously
While having permission to feel all emotions, exercise judgment in how and when to express them, as not every emotion should be shared with every person at every moment.
46. Allow Natural Emotional Expression
When someone is struggling, avoid being overly prescriptive or insistent on immediate labeling; instead, allow them space to express their emotions naturally, recognizing that sometimes they just need to feel without being prompted for specific words.
47. Daily Emotional Judgment Reflection
At the end of each day, reflect on whether you allowed yourself and others to feel emotions without judgment, or if you automatically acted as an ’emotion judge,’ striving to be an ’emotion scientist.’
48. Foster Open Emotional Policies
Actively assess and cultivate a policy of openness and inclusiveness around talking about feelings in your home and workplace, ensuring everyone feels comfortable and has equal permission to express their emotions without judgment.
49. Manage Emotions for Learning
Recognize that feelings like anxiety, overwhelm, or fear put the brain in fight, flight, or freeze mode, hindering attention, memory, and learning, so addressing these emotions is crucial for effective learning.
50. Avoid Emotional Avoidance
Do not resort to avoidance tactics like sending children away when they express strong emotions, as this prevents them from learning to label and understand their feelings, and can lead to long-term emotional difficulties.
51. Reframe Anger as Productive
Reframe anger from an ‘out of control’ emotion to a potentially productive one that can be channeled to fight against injustice or help others, shifting your mindset about its utility.
52. Utilize the Mood Meter App
Use the Mood Meter app or chart to help articulate and understand emotions, leveraging its color-coded system (red/blue for low pleasantness, yellow/green for high pleasantness) to get granular and specific about feelings.
53. Enroll in Free Emotion Management Course
Enroll in the free 10-hour Coursera course ‘Managing Emotions During Uncertain and Stressful Times’ to learn evidence-based strategies for emotion management.
54. Explore Mark Brackett’s Resources
Visit markbrackett.com to learn more about his book, work in schools, and the RULER-based training program for adults and the corporate sector called OGLifeLab.
55. Join Virtual Book Club
Join Mark Brackett’s virtual book club for live, five-week sessions that guide participants through each chapter of his book, offering opportunities to ask questions and engage directly.
9 Key Quotes
So much of our emotion regulation ability stems from the way the adults in our lives spoke to us when we were kids.
Marc Brackett
Our emotions are a big part of our everyday decision-making.
Marc Brackett
This mindset that emotions, this mindset that emotions are emotional intelligence is a soft skill, you know, kind of is mind-blowing to me.
Marc Brackett
You've got to label it to regulate it. You've got to name it to tame it.
Marc Brackett
Prevention is always better than intervention.
Marc Brackett
Emotion regulation is not always about getting rid of the emotion. It's about using the emotion wisely.
Marc Brackett
The expression of emotion is, I'm going to say, it's a human right.
Marc Brackett
What research shows is that it's not helpful. Like I can't, you know, Dr. Chatterjee, I can't take it anymore. Like I'm losing it. Like everything, like I can't, you know, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm like, I'm claustrophobic at home. And then my partner's driving me crazy and my mother-in-law's also driving me crazy. And my two dogs, they just bark all the time. And I have to like hide in the bathroom to have meetings and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's not helpful.
Marc Brackett
I think the best we can do is give ourselves that permission to have the feelings that we have, to be those compassionate emotion scientists around our own and others' feelings, and to kind of be on this continuous improvement cycle for our own healthy development.
Marc Brackett
3 Protocols
RULER Approach to Social and Emotional Learning
Marc Brackett- Recognizing Emotions: Making meaning out of facial expressions, body language, vocal tone, and behavior (interpersonal), and self-awareness of what's going on in one's own body and brain (self-focus).
- Understanding Emotions: Identifying the causes and consequences of emotions, and understanding the psychological differences between similar feelings (e.g., anxiety vs. frustration).
- Labeling Emotions: Using a precise and nuanced vocabulary to describe feelings, moving beyond general terms like 'good' or 'bad'.
- Expressing Emotions: Knowing how and when to communicate emotions effectively and appropriately across different contexts and relationships.
- Regulating Emotions: Employing a wide range of strategies to manage feelings wisely, not necessarily to get rid of them, but to use them constructively to achieve well-being and goals.
Hot Air Balloon Strategy for Perspective Taking
Marc Brackett- Jump into your 'hot air balloon' (mentally or on paper).
- Go up and look down at your life and the situation causing anxiety or other feelings.
- Assess how much control you have over the specific worries or problems.
- If you have no control, recognize that ruminating is unhelpful.
- If you have control, channel that energy into building a constructive solution or taking action.
Modeling Emotional Openness for Children
Marc Brackett- Share with your children that you experience negative emotions (e.g., 'Daddy had a really hard day at work').
- Share specific experiences that led to those feelings.
- Demonstrate that you reflect on these experiences.
- Show them that you are trying to problem-solve (e.g., 'What can I say tomorrow to apologize? How can I prevent this from happening again?').