How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term | Dr. David Buss
Dr. David Buss, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at UT Austin and evolutionary psychology pioneer, discusses human mate selection strategies for short and long-term relationships. He covers courtship, mate value assessment, infidelity, and the "dark triad," offering insights for healthy partnerships.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Theoretical Framework for Mate Choice
Universal Desires in Long-Term Mates
Sex Differences in Long-Term Mate Preferences
Age Differences and Mating History
Deception in Courtship and Online Dating
Short-Term Mating Criteria and Context Effects
Sexual Infidelity: Motives and Mate Switching
Emotional and Financial Infidelity
Status and Mating Success Reciprocal Link
Jealousy as an Evolved Emotion and Mate Retention
The Dark Triad: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, Psychopathy
Stalking and its Motivations
Influence of Children on Mate Value Assessments
Attachment Styles and Relationship Stability
Non-Monogamy and Unconventional Relationships
Mate Value Self-Evaluation and Accuracy
Self-Deception for Effective Deception
9 Key Concepts
Sexual Selection
Darwin's theory explaining the evolution of characteristics due to their mating advantage, distinct from survival advantage. It involves intrasexual competition (same-sex battles for mates) and preferential mate choice (one sex choosing mates based on desired qualities).
Mutual Mate Choice
A characteristic of human mating where both sexes select each other, meaning both men and women have mate preferences and compete for desirable partners. This is a rare strategy in the mammalian world, occurring in only 3-5% of species.
Mate Choice Copying
A social learning heuristic where individuals, particularly women, find a potential mate more attractive if they are already desired or paired with others. This means a person's attractiveness can be enhanced by being seen with other attractive individuals.
Mate Switching Hypothesis
An explanation for female infidelity, suggesting women engage in affairs to either leave an existing relationship, find a higher-value partner, or secure a backup mate. This contrasts with the 'good genes' hypothesis, which posits women seek superior genes from affair partners.
Genetic Cuckoldry
A situation where a man unknowingly invests parental resources in a child that is not biologically his. This term is derived from the cuckoo bird, which lays its eggs in other birds' nests, offloading parental duties onto another species.
Mate Value Discrepancy
A perceived difference in the overall desirability or 'value' between partners in a relationship, often assessed by a combination of physical, social, and resource-related qualities. If a significant discrepancy emerges, it can trigger jealousy and threaten the relationship.
Dark Triad
A cluster of three personality traits: narcissism (grandiosity, entitlement), Machiavellianism (exploitative social strategy), and psychopathy (lack of empathy). Individuals high in these traits are often associated with sexual deception, harassment, and coercion.
Male Sexual Misperception Bias
A tendency for men to misinterpret a woman's friendly or polite gestures (like smiling) as sexual interest or a 'green light' for sexual approach. This bias is more pronounced in men high on dark triad traits.
Relationship Load
A concept referring to the 'baggage' or challenges an individual brings to a relationship, such as an anxious attachment style or other personal issues. This load can increase demands on a partner and impact relationship dynamics.
12 Questions Answered
Both men and women universally desire intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction and love, good health, and dependability in a long-term partner.
Women prioritize good earning capacity, slightly older age, and qualities associated with resource acquisition (status, ambition), while men prioritize physical attractiveness and relative youth.
Men tend to exaggerate their income by about 20% and add about two inches to their height. Women tend to shave about 15 pounds off their reported weight. Both sexes often post photos that are not truly representative of their current appearance.
For women, physical appearance becomes more important, and they are more attracted to 'bad-boy' qualities like self-confidence and risk-taking. Men are willing to lower their standards for short-term mating if commitment and risk are low.
For men, the primary motive is often sexual variety and novelty (cited by about 70% of cheating men). For women, infidelity is typically motivated by unhappiness in their primary relationship, either emotionally or sexually (about 70% of cheating women report falling in love with their affair partner).
This hypothesis suggests women use infidelity to either leave an existing relationship, 'trade up' to a higher-value mate, or secure a backup partner, rather than solely seeking 'good genes' for offspring.
Men tend to be more upset by sexual infidelity because it compromises paternity certainty. Women are more upset by emotional infidelity, as it signals a potential long-term loss of investment and commitment from their partner.
Financial infidelity involves keeping secret financial information or activities from a partner, such as hidden credit cards, secret bank accounts, or diverting pooled resources without their knowledge. Studies show 30-60% of people engage in some form of financial secrecy.
Jealousy is an evolved emotion that serves a mate guarding or mate retention function, getting activated by threats to a romantic relationship, such as infidelity, emotional distance, or the presence of mate poachers.
If a significant difference in mate value emerges between partners, the higher-value person is statistically more likely to have an affair or leave the relationship, which can trigger jealousy in the lower-value partner.
As a general rule, having dependent children from a previous mate decreases a person's mate value, as they are viewed as a cost due to required resource investment and the fact that they are not genetically related to the new partner.
While generally unsuccessful, stalking can sometimes temporarily re-establish a sexual or romantic relationship (around 15% of cases) or deter other potential suitors, effectively isolating the victim.
23 Actionable Insights
1. Assess Emotional Stability on Trips
To accurately assess a potential long-term mate’s emotional stability, go on a trip or vacation together in an unfamiliar environment. This reveals how they cope with stress and unpredictability, which is a hallmark of emotional instability.
2. Overcome Mating Anxiety Through Exposure
To overcome mating anxiety and fear of rejection, deliberately expose yourself to rejection by making numerous approaches. This desensitizes you to the fear and builds resilience, as rejection often doesn’t lead to catastrophic outcomes.
3. Recognize Dark Triad Traits
Be aware of Dark Triad personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) in potential partners. These traits are associated with sexual deception, harassment, coercion, intimate partner violence, and serial offending, particularly in men.
4. Identify Partner Denigration Tactics
Recognize when a partner denigrates your appearance or self-worth (e.g., insults about looks). This can be a diabolical tactic to reduce your perceived mate value, making you less likely to leave and more likely to stay in the relationship.
5. Beware of Partner Isolation Tactics
Be aware that a partner attempting to isolate you by cutting off relationships with friends and family is a predictor of intimate partner violence. This tactic aims to sequester you and prevent exposure to other potential partners.
6. Understand Jealousy’s Adaptive Function
Understand jealousy as an evolved emotion designed to protect and preserve long-term relationships and the investment made within them. This mindset shift can help in processing and addressing the emotion rather than dismissing it as immaturity.
7. Verify Online Dating Profiles In-Person
To counteract deception and the overwhelming effect of photos in online dating, always meet the person in real life for an interaction, such as a cup of coffee. This provides a more accurate assessment of their true qualities.
8. Be Aware of Self-Deception’s Role
Recognize that successful deception is often facilitated by self-deception, meaning individuals genuinely believe their own fabricated narratives. This awareness can help you critically evaluate others’ confidence and claims.
9. Understand Male Sexual Misperception Bias
Be aware of the male sexual misperception bias, where men (especially those with Dark Triad traits) may misinterpret friendliness as sexual interest. Women should understand this potential misinterpretation, and men should be cautious not to over-perceive.
10. Monitor Mate Value Discrepancies
Be attentive to mate value discrepancies in a relationship, as they can trigger jealousy and predict a higher likelihood of infidelity or relationship termination by the higher mate value partner. Address these discrepancies if they arise.
11. Assess Mate Value by Attention Structure
To assess a person’s mate value (including your own), observe the ‘attention structure’ – how many other people desire them or pay significant attention to them. This serves as a strong external cue of desirability.
12. Use Self-Esteem as Mate Value Indicator
Pay attention to your self-esteem as an internal indicator of your perceived mate value. Self-esteem often tracks social standing and desirability, rising with success and plummeting with rejection.
13. Be Aware of Financial Infidelity
Be aware that financial infidelity (e.g., secret credit cards, bank accounts, hidden expenditures) is common in relationships for both sexes. Vigilance and open communication about finances can help prevent this.
14. Evaluate Long-Term Mate Trajectory
When assessing a long-term male mate, women should evaluate his long-term resource trajectory (ambition, drive, goals) rather than solely focusing on the resources he possesses at the current moment.
15. Understand Male Mate Preferences
Understand that men prioritize physical appearance in long-term mates, looking for cues associated with youth, health, and fertility. This knowledge can inform how women present themselves.
16. Understand Female Mate Preferences
Understand that women prioritize good earning capacity, slightly older age, and qualities associated with resource acquisition (e.g., social status, drive, ambition) in long-term male mates. This knowledge can inform how men present themselves.
17. Recognize Online Dating Deceptions
Be aware that online dating profiles often contain predictable deceptions: men exaggerate income by about 20% and add two inches to their height, while women shave about 15 pounds off their reported weight, and both post non-representative photos.
18. Understand Infidelity Motives
Recognize that men’s primary motive for infidelity is often sexual variety (low-risk, low-cost opportunities), while women’s primary motive is typically unhappiness (emotional or sexual) in their primary relationship, often seeking a mate-switching opportunity.
19. Leverage Confidence as a Social Cue
Understand that displays of self-confidence can act as a heuristic for others to assume competence or desirability. Projecting confidence can be a powerful social cue, though it can also be used deceptively.
20. Supplement with D3 and K2
Supplement with Vitamin D3 and K2, as D3 is essential for brain and body health (many are deficient even with sunshine), and K2 regulates cardiovascular function and calcium in the body.
21. Ensure Proper Hydration and Electrolytes
Ensure proper hydration and adequate electrolyte intake (sodium, magnesium, potassium) for optimal brain and body function, as even slight dehydration can diminish cognitive and physical performance.
22. Practice Yoga Nidra or NSDR
Practice Yoga Nidra or Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR) protocols, even for short 10-minute sessions, to greatly restore levels of cognitive and physical energy.
23. Utilize Meditation Apps
Use meditation apps like Waking Up to access various meditation programs, mindfulness trainings, yoga nidra, and NSDR sessions, allowing you to place your brain and body into different states and explore consciousness.
5 Key Quotes
No one wants a stupid, mean, ugly, disease-ridden mate.
Dr. David Buss
Men are only as faithful as their opportunity.
Chris Rock (quoted by Dr. David Buss)
Men are like soup. You always want to have one on the back burner.
Anonymous Woman (quoted by Dr. David Buss)
If she so much as broke a fingernail in this altercation, they'll charge you and not her.
Police Officer (quoted by Dr. David Buss)
Successful deception is facilitated by self-deception.
Robert Trivers (quoted by Dr. David Buss)
2 Protocols
Assessing Emotional Stability in a Potential Mate
Dr. David Buss- Go on a trip or vacation together.
- Observe how the person copes with unfamiliar environments and unexpected stressors.
- Note the latency for them to return to baseline after a stressful event.
Overcoming Mating Anxiety (Albert Ellis's Method)
Dr. David Buss (describing Albert Ellis's method)- Assign yourself the task of approaching a large number of potential mates (e.g., 50 women on dates per week).
- Experience repeated rejections to become inured to the feeling.
- Recognize that rejection does not cause one's world to collapse, leading to reduced anxiety.