How to Find & Be a Great Romantic Partner | Lori Gottlieb
Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb, MFT, discusses how self-perception and past experiences shape relationships. She explores communication skills, the impact of technology on partnerships, and how to cultivate vitality and fulfillment by understanding our unconscious drivers and making intentional choices.
Deep Dive Analysis
27 Topic Outline
Initial Therapy Session: Listening to Words and Feelings
Self-Regulation vs. Co-Regulation in Relationships
Childhood Experiences and Unconscious Partner Choices
Attraction to Familiarity and the Role of Therapy
Fear of Joy (Cherophobia) and Relationship Sabotage
Death Awareness for Living More Fully and Vitality
Numbness as Overwhelm vs. Calmness
Gender Stereotypes in Emotional Expression
Projective Identification and Owning Your Feelings
Reacting vs. Responding: The Space for Choice
Impact of Texting on Communication and Conflict
Stages of Behavioral Change and Self-Compassion
Silent Treatment, Crying, and Manipulation
Shame vs. Guilt and Self-Reflection in Therapy
Breakups in the Digital Age and Moving Forward
The Bank of Goodwill and Partner Appreciation
Infidelity and the 'What If' vs. 'What Is' Trap
Trusting Your Gut vs. Building New Paths
Emotional Maturity and Flexibility in Relationships
Romantic Relationships for Teens in the Social Media Era
Dating Apps: Maximizers vs. Satisficers
Fixing Issues Early and Understanding Operating Instructions
Help-Rejecting Complainers and Core Wounds
Rewriting Faulty Narratives and Using Five Senses
Masculinity, Confusion, and Modern Dating
Grief, Loss, and Moving Forward
Choosing a Bigger Life and Overcoming Desire Caution
10 Key Concepts
Self-Regulation
The ability to manage one's internal emotional experiences, such as anger or anxiety, in a productive way without resorting to destructive behaviors. It involves processing feelings internally rather than immediately acting on them.
Co-Regulation
The process where one person's regulated state helps another person to calm down and regulate their own emotions. In relationships, if one partner remains calm during conflict, it can help the other partner learn to self-regulate.
Unfinished Business
Unresolved emotional issues or unmet needs from childhood, often related to parental relationships. These unconscious patterns can lead individuals to choose partners who mirror the dynamics of past hurts, in an attempt to 'master' or 'win' a situation where they felt helpless as a child.
Cherophobia (Fear of Joy)
A concept describing the fear of experiencing joy or good things, often stemming from past experiences where positive moments were followed by negative or volatile events. This fear can lead to self-sabotage, as individuals prefer the certainty of misery over the uncertainty of potential happiness followed by disappointment.
Numbness
A state that is often mistaken for the absence of feelings, but is actually a shutdown response to being overwhelmed by too many intense feelings. It's a form of arousal that the nervous system cannot handle, leading to a feeling of being flooded and subsequently shutting down.
Projective Identification
A psychological process where an individual unconsciously inserts their own intolerable feelings into another person. Instead of directly expressing an emotion (e.g., anger), they behave in a way that provokes that emotion in the other person, thereby externalizing their discomfort.
Idiot Compassion
A type of compassion where one only validates another person's experience and supports their position without offering challenging perspectives or holding them accountable. It prevents growth by reinforcing existing narratives, even if they are flawed.
Wise Compassion
A form of compassion that involves telling someone the truth in a kind and respectful way, even if it's difficult to hear. It encourages self-reflection and growth by challenging faulty narratives and offering different perspectives, similar to what a therapist provides.
Maximizers
Individuals who constantly seek the 'best' option, often leading to dissatisfaction because they are always looking over their shoulder for something potentially better. This mindset, especially in dating, can lead to perpetual searching and an inability to be content with a good-enough choice.
Satisficers
Individuals who are content with a 'good enough' option, making a choice once their criteria are met without feeling the need to explore every possible alternative. This approach generally leads to greater satisfaction and less overwhelm compared to maximizing.
10 Questions Answered
Individuals can access their feelings by asking 'tell me more' when an emotion arises, rather than trying to dismiss or fix it. Feelings act as a compass, providing valuable information about what direction to take in life.
People often choose partners who are not good for them because their unconscious mind is drawn to familiarity, even if that familiarity stems from painful childhood experiences. They may be trying to 'master' or 'win' a situation where they felt helpless as a child, by recreating similar dynamics.
Therapy helps people become aware of the unconscious forces driving their choices, holding up a mirror to aspects of themselves they haven't been willing or able to see. It aims for behavioral change in the real world, not just insight.
Awareness of death, when viewed as an acceptance rather than a fear, can lead to a more vital and intentional life. It motivates individuals to live more fully, make choices that align with their desires, and avoid regrets, rather than staying stuck in unfulfilling situations.
Reacting is an unfiltered, often historical response to a stimulus, acting on past experiences layered onto the present. Responding involves taking a breath and creating space between the stimulus and your action, allowing for a more thoughtful and regulated choice.
Texting can lead to misunderstandings and conflict because it lacks the cues of face-to-face interaction like facial expressions and body language. It can also make breakups harder by providing constant digital avenues for past connections to infiltrate one's psyche, hindering the process of moving forward.
Behavioral change is a process with five stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It requires taking small, manageable steps, practicing self-compassion with accountability, and understanding that new habits take time to become familiar.
Shame is a feeling of being a bad person, leading to retreat and unhelpfulness. Guilt is a positive feeling that indicates one's actions did not align with their values, signaling a willingness to self-reflect, make amends, and change behavior.
Dating apps can turn users into 'maximizers' due to the illusion of endless choice, leading to less satisfaction even when a good partner is found, as they constantly wonder if someone 'better' is out there. This can prevent commitment and appreciation for existing qualities.
It's crucial to prioritize character qualities like honesty, reliability, and trustworthiness, as well as aligned values and a shared vision for life. Flexibility is also key, as both individuals and the relationship will evolve over time.
66 Actionable Insights
1. Access Feelings as a Compass
Learn to access your feelings because they serve as a compass, guiding you in the right direction in life by providing valuable internal information.
2. Develop Productive Self-Regulation
Learn to self-regulate by examining anger, anxiety, or sadness without resorting to unproductive behaviors like screaming or self-sabotage, using feelings as information for constructive action.
3. Practice Self-Regulation in Relationships
Adopt a policy of not trying to shift another person’s emotions unless explicitly asked, fostering self-regulation and liberation in interactions by owning your own emotional state.
4. Distinguish Calm Excitement from Anxiety
Learn to differentiate between genuine calm excitement and anxiety-provoking excitement, as your nervous system’s state and your interpretation of it are critical for healthy relationships.
5. Seek Therapy for Self-Awareness
Engage in therapy to gain self-awareness by having a mirror held up to aspects of yourself you haven’t been willing or able to see, uncovering unconscious drivers of your behavior.
6. Identify Personal Growth Goals
Before seeking couples therapy, identify one specific aspect of yourself you want to work on to become your best self in the relationship, focusing on personal growth rather than changing your partner.
7. Reflect on Your Relationship Challenges
Create a list of all the reasons it would be difficult to date you, fostering self-awareness and humility, and reducing the tendency to be a ‘maximizer’ in dating by recognizing your own imperfections.
8. Challenge Unhelpful Gut Instincts
If your ‘gut’ instinct consistently leads to unhelpful or miserable outcomes, intentionally choose the opposite or a different path to build new, more productive neurological ‘freeways’ of behavior.
9. Reframe Narratives for Growth
Actively rewrite faulty narratives about yourself or experiences by seeking counter-examples and adopting more empowering perspectives, rather than being bound by old, unhelpful stories.
10. Cultivate Self-Compassion for Accountability
Develop self-compassion, as it enables greater accountability for your actions and mistakes, fostering growth rather than shame, which tends to lead to retreat.
11. Separate Actions from Identity
When addressing someone’s behavior, carefully distinguish between ‘what they did’ (the action) and ‘who they are’ (their inherent character) to avoid global condemnation and allow for growth.
12. Use Guilt for Self-Correction
Embrace guilt as a positive signal that your actions didn’t align with your values, prompting self-reflection and change, but avoid shame which leads to retreat and unproductivity.
13. Be Present for Others’ Feelings
Instead of trying to fix or talk someone out of their feelings, sit with them and be present, allowing them to process their emotions and find their own answers.
14. Ask ‘Tell Me More’
When someone expresses a feeling, respond with ‘Tell me more’ to encourage deeper sharing and help them access their internal answers, fostering connection and understanding.
15. Filter Communication for Impact
Practice healthy communication by filtering thoughts and feelings, considering how what you’re about to say will land on the other person, rather than sharing everything unfiltered.
16. Apply ‘Kind, True, Useful’ Filter
Before speaking, ask if your words are kind, true, and useful; if they don’t meet these three criteria, reconsider sharing them to improve communication quality and relational health.
17. Be Intentional in Communication
Cultivate intentionality in communication by considering the purpose behind your words and avoiding using others to release your own uncomfortable feeling states.
18. Communicate with Curiosity, Not Blame
Approach difficult conversations with curiosity, inviting discussion and understanding the other person’s perspective, rather than starting with blame or assumptions about their character.
19. Prioritize Face-to-Face for Important Topics
For important conversations, prioritize face-to-face interaction over texting to slow down communication, prevent misunderstandings, and remember the human on the other side.
20. Avoid Arguing Over Text
Refuse to engage in arguments via text messages to prevent misunderstandings and further conflict, reserving important discussions for in-person or verbal communication.
21. Maintain Regulation During Conflict
In an argument, ensure at least one person remains regulated to prevent both parties from becoming dysregulated, as nothing productive comes from mutual dysregulation.
22. Pause Arguments When Dysregulated
If both individuals are dysregulated during an argument, pause the conversation until one or both return to a regulated state, such as by taking a walk or relaxing.
23. Understand Others’ Perspectives
During a pause in conflict, consider the other person’s perspective and their version of the story to find common ground and foster compassion before resuming the conversation.
24. Set Boundaries Against Drama
Establish a ’no drama’ policy in relationships, defining drama as evacuative expression rather than constructive challenge, understanding this may mean letting go of some people.
25. Identify Help-Rejecting Complainers
Be aware of ‘help-rejecting complainers’ who seek attention by complaining but reject all solutions; recognize they don’t want help and disengage from trying to fix their problems.
26. Avoid the Silent Treatment
Recognize that the silent treatment is an incredibly aggressive and hostile form of communication that punishes and shuts down dialogue, and avoid using it.
27. Be Aware of Manipulative Crying
Understand that crying can sometimes be a manipulative tactic to shut down communication or avoid accountability, and address the underlying reasons for such behavior.
28. Address Relationship Issues Early
Address potential relationship issues or dissatisfactions early on, when the ‘cement is wet’ (i.e., at the beginning of the relationship), to prevent them from solidifying into bigger problems.
29. Use Physical Touch to De-escalate Conflict
During escalated conflict, initiate physical touch, such as holding hands, to calm the nervous system, reconnect, and remind both parties of their underlying bond.
30. Choose Partners for Healthy Reasons
Select partners based on healthy reasons, not unconsciously to resolve ‘unfinished business’ from childhood, which often leads to choosing people who won’t meet your needs.
31. Prioritize Core Values in Partners
When evaluating potential partners, be inflexible about core character qualities like honesty, reliability, trust, and aligned life vision, as these are difficult gaps to bridge.
32. Assess Feelings in Partner’s Presence
Beyond character qualities, evaluate how a person makes you feel in their presence, looking for a sense of calm, contentment, and safety as key indicators of compatibility.
33. Be Flexible on Minor Issues
Maintain flexibility on minor preferences or non-essential traits in a partner, but be firm and uncompromising on core values and character qualities that truly matter for a healthy relationship.
34. Accept Partners as Whole Individuals
Accept your partner as a complete package, understanding you cannot pick and choose individual traits, and focus on appreciating their whole self rather than trying to change them.
35. Avoid Treating Dating Like Shopping
Recognize that dating is a two-way street, not just a shopping experience where you are the sole chooser; consider your own ‘difficult to be with’ traits to foster realism and humility.
36. Balance Desired Traits with Self-Awareness
When making a list of desired partner qualities, create an equally extensive list of traits that make it difficult to be with you, fostering humility and realistic expectations.
37. Give Second Dates a Chance
Don’t dismiss potential partners if there isn’t an immediate ‘spark’; if you had a ‘good enough time,’ go on a second date to explore further connection and potential.
38. Build a ‘Bank of Goodwill’
Consciously make five positive ‘deposits’ (e.g., compliments, appreciation, small gestures) for every one ‘withdrawal’ (e.g., criticism, complaint) in your relationships to maintain a strong foundation.
39. Express Appreciation for Small Details
Regularly express appreciation for the small, positive details about your partner (e.g., their smell, laughter, presence) to make ‘deposits’ into the relationship’s ‘bank of goodwill’.
40. Recall Positive Relationship Origins
When facing relationship challenges, recall the origin story of how you met and what you initially loved about your partner to shift focus and reconnect with their positive qualities.
41. Embrace Authenticity and Vulnerability
Strive for relationships where you can bring your ‘rough draft’ or imperfect self, feeling comfortable enough to be authentic and vulnerable without needing to be ‘on’ all the time.
42. Learn Partner’s ‘Operating Instructions’
Invest time in understanding your partner’s ‘operating instructions’—their unique needs, triggers, and preferences—to navigate the relationship more smoothly and lovingly.
43. Embrace Uncertainty for Freedom
Recognize that fear of uncertainty can keep you stuck in uncomfortable but familiar situations; embrace the unknown to access freedom and responsibility for your life.
44. Prioritize Potential Success Over Misery
Avoid choosing the certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty, as attachment to current or past identities can prevent stepping into paths of potential success.
45. Cultivate Death Awareness for Vitality
Acknowledge your mortality not morbidly, but to infuse daily life with more intentionality and vitality, choosing how you spend your limited time.
46. Seek Vitality Through Intentional Choices
Understand that vitality, not happiness, is the opposite of depression, and cultivate it by making intentional choices, knowing your time is limited.
47. Prioritize Energizing Over Activating
Focus on activities that genuinely energize you, rather than those that merely activate a stress response, to maintain vitality and avoid draining experiences.
48. Limit Mindless Internet Scrolling
Be aware that mindless internet scrolling acts as a non-prescription painkiller, leading to numbness from being overwhelmed by too many feelings, rather than true relaxation.
49. Recognize Numbness as Overwhelm
Understand that feeling numb is not an absence of feelings, but rather a shutdown response to being overwhelmed by too many emotions, requiring identification of the underlying feelings.
50. Differentiate Shutdown from Calm
Learn to distinguish between a state of emotional shutdown (overwhelm) and genuine calmness, as they are distinct and require different responses.
51. Practice Focused Thinking
Dedicate time, even just five minutes, to focused, linear thinking about a challenge or an irritating situation to gain understanding and growth.
52. Respond, Don’t React
Create space between a stimulus and your response by taking a breath and regulating your nervous system, allowing for a thoughtful response instead of an unprocessed reaction.
53. Implement Change with Small Steps
Approach personal change as a process with small, manageable steps, understanding that large, sudden changes are often unsustainable.
54. Practice Compassionate Maintenance
View the maintenance phase of change as a non-linear process, allowing for mistakes without self-flagellation, and practicing self-compassion with accountability to form new habits.
55. Remove Temptations for Habit Change
Identify and remove environmental triggers or temptations that make you susceptible to old, unhelpful habits, especially during vulnerable emotional states.
56. Embrace Calculated Risks for Growth
Recognize that sometimes the safest path to personal growth and achieving your goals involves taking calculated risks, rather than staying in a ‘safe’ but unfulfilling comfort zone.
57. Calibrate Your Emotional Thermostat
Learn to recalibrate your internal emotional ’thermostat’ to accurately sense and respond to situations, especially regarding danger and comfort, which may be skewed by past experiences.
58. Embrace Vulnerability Despite Fear
Overcome the fear of humiliation to embrace vulnerability and take risks in relationships, as this is essential for deeper connection and growth.
59. Maintain Stable Self-Worth
Understand that your inherent value is stable and does not diminish if someone else doesn’t value you, nor does it increase if they do; seek out those who appreciate your intrinsic worth.
60. Manage Choice to Increase Satisfaction
Be aware of the ‘paradox of choice’ where too many options can lead to less satisfaction; aim for a manageable amount of choice rather than maximizing every decision.
61. Seek Love in Its Various Forms
Acknowledge the innate human wiring to love and be loved, and be open to the diverse forms and expressions that love can take in your life.
62. Choose the ‘Bigger Life’
When making decisions, always opt for the choice that leads to a ‘bigger life,’ embracing desires and opportunities rather than staying stuck in conventional or comfortable but unfulfilling paths.
63. Seek Objective, Wider Perspectives
When facing a problem, seek an objective, wider lens that provides context and considers all sides of the narrative, rather than just your own, to better manage the situation.
64. Engage Senses to Appreciate Partner
When upset with a partner, consciously engage your five senses to identify specific positive qualities or aspects you appreciate about them, fostering connection and perspective.
65. Embrace Growth Through Connection
Understand that self-knowledge and personal growth are not prerequisites for relationships, but rather often occur and accelerate through connection and interaction with others.
66. Use Structured Tools for Change
Utilize workbooks or structured guides to methodically break down and rewrite faulty narratives that shape your thoughts, feelings, and actions, fostering personal growth.
9 Key Quotes
When feelings are all positive because they're like a compass, they tell us what direction to go in if we can access them.
Lori Gottlieb
The certainty of misery is sometimes more palatable to people than the misery of uncertainty.
Lori Gottlieb
What is the opposite of depression, it's not happiness, it's vitality. And where do we get vitality from knowing that we have a limited time here and we get to choose how we spend it?
Lori Gottlieb
Numbness is the sense of being overwhelmed by too many feelings. And so you're shutting down.
Lori Gottlieb
Insight is the booby prize of therapy, that you can have all the insight in the world. But if you don't make change out in the world, the insight is useless.
Lori Gottlieb
If it's hysterical, it's historical.
Lori Gottlieb
Guilt is great. Guilt is saying what I did did not align with the person that I am. So I am a good person. I did something that felt not aligned with that. And so I need to be aware that it's good that I feel guilt.
Lori Gottlieb
Just because someone doesn't value you doesn't mean you don't have value.
Lori Gottlieb
The two most dangerous words in the English language are 'if only'.
Lori Gottlieb
3 Protocols
5 Stages of Behavioral Change
Lori Gottlieb- Pre-contemplation: Not realizing a need for change, attributing problems externally.
- Contemplation: Recognizing a potential need for change but not yet ready to act.
- Preparation: Taking steps to get ready for the change (e.g., learning new skills, gathering resources).
- Action: Actively making the desired change.
- Maintenance: Sustaining the change over time, allowing for mistakes with self-compassion and accountability until the new behavior becomes a habit.
Dating Self-Reflection Exercise
Lori Gottlieb- Create a list of all the reasons it would be difficult to date you.
- Ensure the number of items on this 'difficult to date' list matches the number of qualities you desire in a partner (e.g., if you want 20 qualities, list 20 difficulties).
- Be scrupulously honest about your weaknesses, avoiding 'positive-sounding' non-answers.
Understanding Partner's Operating Instructions
Lori Gottlieb- Recognize that your partner does not come with a manual and you need to learn their unique 'operating instructions'.
- Avoid making assumptions about their needs or intentions; instead, get curious and ask directly (e.g., 'Why are you acting that way? What's going on?').
- Learn what specific actions or communication styles help your partner feel calm, understood, or supported (e.g., a quiet voice when anxious, a hug, specific packing preferences).
- Honor these instructions by operating with an eye toward them, fostering a smoother and more loving relationship.